Having one of those…
…times when there is so much inside but the words just won’t come. I’m not sure if it’s because it is so deeply personal that I just don’t know how to express it / want to put it out there on the internet or if I just haven’t finished my mulling over process. But there is a definite shift going on inside. A definite feeling of nothing from this day forward will be the same as the days behind.
The shift involves a lot of change and a lot of responsibility but in very good ways. It’s just that shifts are disruptive and they’re taxing as you try to wrap your emotions and your life around them. For me there is a lot of excitement (mixed with nerves in the tummy) but the way things come about are often so painful. I’ve witnessed a lot of collateral damage in recent weeks. A lot of pain and a lot of turmoil in the people that I love. But I’ve also seen the hand of God move so deliberately and so precisely to meet their needs and minister to my heart as well.
Last night as friends were praying for me one said, “I feel like I don’t want to pray for strength for you because that is what you’ve functioned in for so long and I know you want to abandon that. But I also hear the Lord telling me to pray for strength for you because this will pass and you will need it for the things He has planned for you.” This is a friend I trust hears the voice of God and her words ring true to me.
But my word, what do you do with that? It’s comforting and yet a completely open ended “idea”. I know my Father doesn’t plan things for my demise so there isn’t fear there (although I think in a bit I will have much to say about fear as I have been dissecting the concept and what God has to say about it), just a bit of excitement for what is in store for me and a few butterflies because it will require something of me. Will I be strong enough? Will I believe enough in my ability to hear His voice that I am obedient? This is really all I care about because ultimately, if I’m going to witness such pain I’d like to see the fruit on the other side.
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