I know…

June 30, 2008 at 7:31 pm 3 comments

…I know, two posts in one day.  But if I don’t get this out I may just start crying….again.  (deep breath)

I dropped Kaitlynn and Alden off for camp.  In the past this has never been a big issue for me.  In the past Kaitlynn never went to camp.  You see, I am raising an anxious child.  An incredibly brave, strong child who doesn’t realize she has no reason to be anxious.  She doesn’t realize how courageous she is but she is truly the most courageous female I have ever met.  Kaitlynn battles her demons every year around her birthday; I believe it is subconcious and I do believe it is spiritual.  Somewhere in her little mind she gets worried I am going to leave her like her birth mom did, like her foster mom had to.  The past two-three weeks we have battled severe separation anxiety and about four days ago she conquered it.  We have been reciting the scripture, “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.”  She sings it, she prays it, she is starting to believe it.

Fast forward to the church parking lot this afternoon.  Clinging to my legs and trying so hard not to cry, to be strong she just kept saying, “I will miss you.  I will miss you.”  Thank goodness for big sunglasses that could hide my eyes welling up with tears.  Her conflicted little heart was more than I could take.  She wanted so much to be brave and yet she was truly anxiety-ridden.  Thank goodness for a church family that saw it, for a man who kept running over and giving her kisses and making her laugh, for another man who told her countless jokes and got her mind off of saying “goodbye”, for the woman who I could hear praying over us as others were milling around chatting and for an entire group of parents who said, “She’s fine, go, we’ll call you” as I realized I needed to leave in order to make it easier on Kaitlynn….watching me wave as she was sitting on the bus wasn’t going to work for this child.

Here is the thing though: I did the right thing.  I know Kaitlynn will get to camp and have a blast.  She is a social butterfly above and beyond any personality trait she may possess.  There is swimming, rock climbing, art, singing and a cake fight that is legendary.  She has her little bedtime notes and her scripture.  She has a picture of she and I, her brother is there along with church staff that love her.  In the end, this will move her another step forward in realizing that risk is worth taking and most fears are unfounded.  Yes, she will miss me and yes, I will have her big, brown, watery eyes imprinted in my mind’s eye until I see her on Friday.  But I hold to the truth that this is part of raising a confident child. 

I got in the car to drive home and a song I hadn’t heard in a long time came on the radio.  As I listened to it, tears falling down my face I realized how appropriate it was for that moment.  Here it is, enjoy it and please, each night this week, say a prayer for Kaitlynn.

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What a…. Looking forward…

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tricia  |  July 1, 2008 at 1:04 am

    You are a crazy blogging fool today!
    Yes, the highs and the lows of parenthood wrapped up into one day. I hope that she has a great time and I will be praying for both of you.

    Reply
  • 2. fran  |  July 1, 2008 at 11:47 am

    I am reaching for the brown paper sack as I type this….(you know my anxieties with letting my kids go) you are an amazing momma! I will be praying for you guys all week……

    Reply
  • 3. DeAnna  |  July 2, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    UGH!! I just checked your blog, I didn’t know they were at camp but I will praying that she has had a BLAST so far and that she is loving her life right now. Yay for summer camp!!!! She is going to come back with more stories than her little mind ever could have imagined she was going to experience. Yay for you for letting go. That is a good thing.

    Reply

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