Taking the good….
A couple of days after my birthday I was straightening up and organizing and noticing things around my house that were making me really happy. Like this:
It is a docking station that I got at Pottery Barn when Gretchen and I went shopping on my birthday. I love it. It makes me happy because it cleans up the messy little corner in the kitchen that Tim loves to dump his stuff at. Now it is all clean and tidy, the kids’ homework papers that are being worked on have a place to go and so does the mail that still needs to be addressed. Did I mention that I love it? It makes me happy. This does, too:
This was also purchased at Pottery Barn…on said Birthday. I only bought one to which the man who checked me out couldn’t understand. But I only needed one. Just one to make me happy and be used to serve cookies or crackers on or maybe just to have a big old piece of pie all to myself. : ) I also did another bold thing in my life. That made me happy because it got me and Gretchen one of these:
Isn’t it the cutest darned bag you ever did see? Pottery Barn boy wasn’t giving us a bag like this. We wanted one. Can’t you see that house and those birds and trees on a layout? Anyway, I asked, he gave. You can do the same thing because apparently Pottery Barn Boys all over the world are trying to get rid of them since they are Christmas bags and it is almost Easter.
OK, so there is one more thing to show you that made me happy that day, one last thing before I show you the very sad thing that also happened that day. Tim made it home in time for dinner. Not only in time to eat it with us, but in time to cook it with us. I had made calzone dough and salad and the kids LOVE stuffing and rolling their own calzones. But they didn’t love it as much on this day as they loved just being next to their daddy. Usually they all take turns at the table, that night, no one left his side until bedtime. It made me happy. And yes, Tim’s eye looks messed up because that is what happens when you are opening a new retaurant, working 15 hours a day and haven’t taken a day off in about 16….I don’t know, I’ve lost count.
And now for the sad, it was this:
I know that at first glance it doesn’t look that sad, but it is. Kaitlynn cleaned out her room the other day. She did a GREAT job, cleaned out so much stuff all on her own. These were in the give-away pile. While the organizer, cleaner, pragmatic person that I am loves this, the mommy in me hates it. It is such an in-my-face reminder that Kaitlynn is growing up. I am normally the mom that is OK with the growing up stuff. I haven’t had any problems with the boys growing and spreading their wings. On their first days of Kindergarten, I cheered as they started a new phase of life. But when Kaitlynn started Kindergarten, I cried. When I saw this, I wanted to cry.
I know it is because I don’t feel like I’ve had enough time with her. The first four years of her life I didn’t get to do all the loving, nurturing, playing, and hanging out that I got with the boys. Kaitlynn may be my only child not from my womb, but the cord with her is the toughest to cut. I feel like I haven’t had enough of her being little (not the tantrums, believe me, enough of that already). So these toys and the fact that she has no desire for them anymore made me sad.
I will let her grow though. She is an amazing creature. I hope to allow her to grow so strong and wise and full of hope that she never feels the lack of knowing a biological family. At times like these when she is moving on and I am trying desperately to smile and allow it, I recognize that ache only a true mother knows and am so grateful to be a part of her life.
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