Having one of those…

…times when there is so much inside but the words just won’t come.  I’m not sure if it’s because it is so deeply personal that I just don’t know how to express it / want to put it out there on the internet or if I just haven’t finished my mulling over process.  But there is a definite shift going on inside.  A definite feeling of nothing from this day forward will be the same as the days behind. 

The shift involves a lot of change and a lot of responsibility but in very good ways.  It’s just that shifts are disruptive and they’re taxing as you try to wrap your emotions and your life around them.  For me there is a lot of excitement (mixed with nerves in the tummy) but the way things come about are often so painful.  I’ve witnessed a lot of collateral damage in recent weeks.  A lot of pain and a lot of turmoil in the people that I love.  But I’ve also seen the hand of God move so deliberately and so precisely to meet their needs and minister to my heart as well. 

Last night as friends were praying for me one said, “I feel like I don’t want to pray for strength for you because that is what you’ve functioned in for so long and I know you want to abandon that.  But I also hear the Lord telling me to pray for strength for you because this will pass and you will need it for the things He has planned for you.”  This is a friend I trust hears the voice of God and her words ring true to me. 

But my word, what do you do with that?  It’s comforting and yet a completely open ended “idea”.  I know my Father doesn’t plan things for my demise so there isn’t fear there (although I think in a bit I will have much to say about fear as I have been dissecting the concept and what God has to say about it), just a bit of excitement for what is in store for me and a few butterflies because it will require something of me.  Will I be strong enough?  Will I believe enough in my ability to hear His voice that I am obedient?  This is really all I care about because ultimately, if I’m going to witness such pain I’d like to see the fruit on the other side.

He did it…

…he turned 13 today.

While that and all that comes along with it, like being taller than his mother and the deepening of his voice astounds me, so does this:

• 13 years ago at this very minute I was 30 hours into labor with only 6 more to go.  It was my first baby and I didn’t know much but I knew I was doing something important.
• It’s a little freaky to live with someone so similar to yourself.
• When he sleeps, his face still looks exactly the way it did when he was a baby and it freezes me rendering it impossible for me to move from wherever I am for at least 10 minutes.
• The peace this boy brings to me is unmeasurable.  There is something about his presence that calms me.
• In 5 years I’ll be packing him up for college.
• In 3 years I’ll be taking him to get his driver’s license.
• In the past 13 years he has brightened our days, filled our home with laughter and grown into a wonderful older brother.
• As a child, Powell is nothing that I expected but everything I always wanted.

So happy birthday my first-born baby.  May God bless you in your 13th year, keep you safe and fill your life with a contentedness that always follows you.

Ready for…

…some more answers and a little update?

1. My braces wearing, cell phone loving girl?  Her parents never called me.  They won’t pick up when I call (that is when you realize caller ID isn’t all it’s cracked up to be).  So, I guess it’s left up to the insurance to deal with them.  The only exception there is that the police served them with a warrant.  They have to go to court because they don’t have insurance and she’ll probably lose her license.  He said I might have to show up if they plead ‘not guilty’.  We’ll see.  It’s too bad because in the end, if they would have just paid our deductible we probably would have moved on and it never would have come ot this.
2. No termites!  Praise God!  Instead, it was carpenter bees.  They are HUGE bees that look like your stereotypical bumble bee:   

Nice, eh?  The scary part of this is that when you Google ’carpenter bee’ the first 4 things are “how to stop carpenter bees from destroying your home.”  Niiiice.  I’m so glad I have a brick house.

Now for some new things to excite and delight you:

Here is one of my new loves:

Quick.  Is it the wine, the blue pitcher or the always empty cookie jar?  It’s the pitcher (wine isn’t new and for some reason that cookie jar is only full about 2 days at a time).  I love this pitcher because it makes these:

Funnel cakes.  Aren’t they one of the best guilty pleasures ever?  And yes, I let her eat the whole thing.  I don’t know what got into me.  But yes.  She did sleep that night and did not go into sugar shock.

Now for a not so favorite thing.  Let’s start at the very beginning (why do I want to sing songs from Sound of Music now).  Monday night after a long day of work, cooking dinner, going to Bible study and getting K and T tucked into bed I sat down to watch TV.  I was excited because it had been quite a while since I actually sat down and watched TV without folding laundry, ironing or mending.  The ceiling fan was going, the house was quiet.  I was a happy girl.  I heard a little something so I muted the TV.  It sounded like it was coming from the chimney so I dismissed it as the chickens (they live just outside that wall next to the chimney).  I kept watching.  I heard it again, muted to make sure my theory was correct but it stopped.  I kept watching.  Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving.  It was dark, it was odd and it was in the hurricane vase that sits in the corner of my mantel.  I stood up.  I wasn’t panicking and I was very proud of myself.  I stepped closer.  Guess what it was?  A BAT!  A.bat.was.in.my.house.  Why are only the creepy animals making it in?  Why only the dead and very creepy animals?  I’m not saying I want a fox in my living room but at least it wouldn’t seem like the devil sent it in there!

Needless to say all pride I had in myself for walking towards it went right out the window as I ran up the stairs, woke Tim up and made him come take care of the situation.

Now here is something that combines pride and a new love.  For the past 3 summers we’ve gone canoeing.  It is official.  Our family loves canoeing and will be purchasing canoes with Christmas money this year.  There is something about being out there and just observing everything in the complete quiet.  The kids are even quiet except for when we take breaks and swim or when we found an AMAZING rope swing.  Someone had even propped a ladder there to climb up to it from the river.  What a ball!  We only saw 2 other boats that day so we stayed here a loooong time.  Why pride in this?  Because I went.  I didn’t sit there and take pictures and only enjoy watching my children jump, I jumped.  And when I got up there, I was scurred.  It was high and long but I did it.  It was fun.  I’ll exclude that picture though because well, I’m in a swimsuit and I just don’t think the internet needs to have that on there.

One of the lovely things about days like this is the ride home is always just as mellow as the paddle down the river:

One of the bad things is you sit behind your first baby and realize how big he is getting.  How much his body is changing and that it is true, no matter how much you try to shove it to the back of your mind, he will be 13 on Tuesday.

And then you get home and the next day when you are finally not thinking about it your daughter walks in from the pool and says, “Mommy, puberty sure did hit me fast.”  And your whole life flashes before your eyes:

Let’s play…

….a game.  There aren’t any prizes other than the satisfaction of knowing you did well.  But shouldn’t that be prize in itself?

Question Number One:

What is this:

A.  The spot where we stored all the wood for the winter which is now used up?

B.  An unfortunate incident involving an ax and one of my children.

C.  The remnants of what 2 very naughty woodpeckers did to a deck rail.

If you answered C, you are correct.  These were the strangest looking birds I’ve ever seen, I would have snapped a picture but it was 6 am and I just wasn’t that fast yet.  This is the closest picture I could find but I promise you, this isn’t the exact bird.  I also promise you they were large, the size of a bantem hen.  The birds we saw had yellow feathers coming out the top of it’s head…they were a cross between a pteredactyl and a dodo bird.  Think Kevin from UP if you’ve seen that movie.

So what does one do when naughty woodpeckers invade their decking?  Well first you call pest control to make sure you don’t have termites.  Then when you think about putting red pepper in the HUGE hole they’ve created (because they kept coming back) you realize birds don’t have taste buds and therefore, red pepper won’t bug them.  So then you go in the garage and find an old bath mat and you do this, squint your eyes and hope for the best when the bug man comes a calling Monday morning.

Question Number Two:

What is this:

A.  An  old umbrella used poolside to keep you shaded when not swimming.

B.  A cheap umbrella that blew into the pool and ended up at the bottom during a freak, unexpected summer storm that aren’t uncommon in Tennessee that was then hauled up with all your might while trying not to fall into the pool.

C.  All of the above.

If you answered C, you are correct.  It was a crazy storm.  A sunny one minute and can’t see 12 inches in front of your face the next minute storm.  A blow the power out storm.  A HOLY COW LOOK AT THAT storm.  It gave my kids the opportunity to earn extra allowance though because it created a lot of limb/stick pick up and re-potting of things that blew over.  As for our beloved little umbrella.  Well, after putting it back together multiple times, this was our solution:

Thank goodness for all those extra hours of work lately.

Question Number Three:

What is this:

A.  An unfortunate accident with unloading the new umbrella.  A smack down of sorts with a metal pole and my bumper.  Who knew umbrella poles could be so heavy?

B.  Nothing new…it’s been there for years.

C.  The result of one cell-phone talking, braces-wearing teenage girl who rear ended me driving home from church.

If you answered C, you’re right.  She was busy.  She was self-admittedly looking at her cell phone.  She didn’t see the red light.  We were dead stopped.  She was full speed.  Thank you God that the damage isn’t much worse because guess what?  She’s a minor so the police wouldn’t give me any information on her (don’t you think if you’re old enough to drive and run into somebody the privacy of being a minor should be waived), her parents haven’t called me yet and I don’t think they’re insured.  Thank you USAA for saying you’d handle it for me.  Sic ‘em!  But in the meantime, here is our solution to this little problem:

It’s to adopt a “What can you do?” attitude.  I’ve got it.  It’s nice.  It’s makes the stress go away.

I’ll give you one more, a Bonus Question so-to-speak.  What is this:

I won’t even make you guess.  I’ll just tell you.  It’s my daughter’s very sweet attempt to make coffee for her daddy.

Yes, it has…

….been a while for me not to post.  I wish I could say that was because we are off doing fabulous Summer things but right now the truth is we’ve just flat been busy with life.  The fun stuff is just around the corner though!  Canoe trip next week, water slide park the week after…I’ve been blessed.  Work has gotten super busy so now the extra cash appears and we get to feel a little more like we can spend some. 

The dead critter count is up.  2 more moles and a lizard.  (sigh)  What am I to do?  I guess I can’t complain too much.  My neighbor’s dogs escape on a daily basis…daily.basis.  One of them busts them out of their kennel and then they split up.  Ivy braves the invisible fence shock and then scales the 8′ fence for her freedom and Sparticus just digs like crazy until he can crawl underneath.  Poor neighbors.  Bricks line the bottom of their fence line in an attempt to keep their dogs in.  So, like I said, maybe dead critter gifts aren’t so bad.

Powell has gone camping already and only one tick!  yay!  This is much improved from the 6 he was sporting last year when he came home from the same camping spot.  I know, I know, even one tick can make him sick but I figure this is success because he stands a much smaller chance of getting sick from 1 than he does from 6.  My Powell is huge.  To me, he is huge.  The shoulders are spread, the voice has gone deeper, he can curl his fingers over mine and I give him 2 weeks until he passes the hairline of height I still have on him.

So that is about it.  Working, enjoying each other’s company, looking forward to day trips, finding dead critters at home, searching for escaped critters next door and thinking I need to get creative again SOON.

This boy…

…just might be my hero.  To date this week he has picked up 3 dead moles (one that made it into the house, one that made it almost into the house…nasty little Floyd sneaks them in…and one that stayed where it belonged in the yard) and fished one dead opossum out of the pool.  I don’t like doing these things.  I admit it freely.  I think it’s disgusting and I want nothing to do with it.  He does it for me (even got out of bed to get the one that was very near decapitation).  He doesn’t taunt me with them.  He doesn’t complain.  All I have to say is, “Alden, there is a dead ____” and he gets up and takes care of business.  Heroic to a momma that doesn’t like dong such things and has a husband who works a lot.

You might not…

…want to read this if you are hyper-sensitive; just a warning because I wouldn’t want to offend.

Yesterday Tim and I went to the oncologist.  It isn’t a stressful visit typically because we are at complete peace with the fact that he is well and will continue to be so.  I would say the only anticipation comes from the emotional memory of SO many visits we’ve made over the past 12 years.  If you’re holding your breath, don’t.  He continues to be well and this year marks the year he is well an even amount of years he was sick.  6 1/2 years of leukemia and now six years of healed!

OK, so here is where some might say we are being insensitive because we made a funny about cancer.  We cracked ourselves up.  We think we have earned the right to poke fun at the whole thing.  After all we fought the dang disease for so long and it wasn’t just with Tim.  I walk around with one lung, my mom almost lost her colon and don’t think we never met anyone else sitting in that chemo room day after day.  We would never poke fun at someone who just had a heart attack or suffered from some ailment we knew nothing about.  But we’ll poke fun at ourselves.

Here is how it started.  This was a new cancer center for us so we didn’t know what we were doing at first.  After scouring the very teeny parking lot it was clear we needed to use the garage.  Most cancer centers we’ve been to have valet parking because they realize their patients are SICK and they can’t walk far.  Well, it went something like this:

Me:  Oh, look down there.  There’s a parking garage.

We drive the block to the garage and pull in.  Big sign that says they appreciate their nurses (good) and that parking is free. 

Me:  I’m glad they appreciate their nurses.  How about appreciating their sick patients too and offering a better parking situation for them?  I mean, how are some of them supposed to walk this far?

Tim:  Yeah, but you can park for free!

Me:  Why don’t you make up a song about it?  You know, like Free Credit Report dot com?

Tim:  You think?  Give me just a second.  I’m thinking.

I patiently waited.  As we drove the entire 7 levels of the parking garage with not a spot to be had, I waited.

Tim:  How’s this?  (sung to a rock tune)  You can park for free!  During your chemotherapy!

Jill:  It’s good, but you can do better.  We can do better let’s see.  How about:  You can park for free!  During your chemotherapy!  You’ll have to walk for a mile!  But don’t let that steal your smile!  After all you still have hair!  And if you like you can take the stairs!

We burst into fits of laughter.  We were tickled pink with ourselves.  Again, I realize to some this may be offensive but to us it was funny.   Now when we walked into the office we didn’t know what to expect.  Our experience is that you have one of two situations in an oncologist’s waiting area.  Either everyone looks as scared and sad as they’ve ever been and they just STARE at you or it’s lighthearted and people are just looking for things to lighten the mood.   I personally think this has a lot to do with how talented the office staff is at handling their positions with grace and humor and true care.  We got the latter yesterday.  We were glad.

We tumbled into the office still giggling and marveling at how Diane Warren/David Foster-ish we were and the receptionist immediately asked, “What has the two of you laughing?”

Me:  Uh…nothing.  We just made up a little song.  We’ll behave, I promise.

Receptionist:  Can I hear it?

Me:  Uh….no.  (The room was pretty full)

Patient #1:  Come on, sing it. 

Tim and I look at each other.

Patient #2: If I can wear this wig in public surely you can sing.

I liked these people.

Me:  Well, it’s about cancer.  We….well, it’s about cancer.

A unanimous “sing it!”

So we did.  (Yes, I’m still a bit horrified that I sang in public and I’m sure Tricia is as well.  She’s asked me not to I think.)  They all concurred that it was crazy that people with cancer were walking so far to the center.  They all laughed.  The favorite line by far was the first because somehow, there is humor in the belief that if you let people park for free, they won’t care that they’re going into chemo.

You are looking at…

…a Champion Goalie.

Think championship game for the local soccer league.  Think a 2:2 tie at the end of the hour.  Think 5 penalty kicks per team.  Think this little guy with all the pressure on him to catch all 5 of the balls the other team tries to barrel into the net.  Think throwing yourself on the ground, sacraficing your body over and over again.  The pressure is on you repeatedly.  Think staying calm as a cucumber and later stating that with each kick you were asking God to guide your body where it needed to be.  Think going into sudden death.  Think the other team’s goalie let’s one in.  Think you don’t.  Now think that the crowd goes nuts and your coach runs out, picks you up and lifts you in the air shouting, “You did it!  You did it!  We won the game!  We’re the league champions!”

A night he’ll always remember.  I’m sure of it.

I have to…

…share this with you.  It is a new blog I have found but the best part is…it’s a friend’s blog.  Tracey and I were roommates right after college for a year.  She has always been one of the sweetest, most genuine people I’ve ever known but now she adds another label to that description….INSPIRATION.  Oh my gosh….her photography and her stories/perspective are WONDERFUL.  You have to check it out because you won’t be sorry.  Make sure you check out the story she did on tool boxes…  hee!

It’s that time…

…of year again.  The time when I go into high gear for about 3 days planning, calendaring and preparing the summer for me and the kids.  I love it.  I love the organization and I love the anticipation of all that is coming.  This summer we’re having the Fischer kids over again on Tuesdays.  Love that.  Two boys and a girl and they’re the same ages as my guys.  Last summer Tuesdays were always fun and the best part was, no one argued all summer long.  Love those kids.  I’m also planning some art projects for Kati-cat and what life skills I want the 3 of them to learn this summer.  Last summer it was baking cookies (we made 12 different varieties), separating laundry and weeding the garden (an everyday chore around here).  This summer it will be planning and preparing dinner once a week (with help of course), tending to the vegetable garden and taking their laundry routine one step further…this summer they’ll learn how to run the machines.

Summer is always a bit easier on me.  There is less laundry since the layers of winter disappear and the kids live in their swimsuits.  With the extra bodies around the house there is definitely more kitchen clean-up and preparation of meals but there is also more help with dusting, vacuuming, etc.  This summer my mantra is absolutely to BREATHE.  I’m embarking on a creative, embrace the slow pace of summer adventure.  I’ll still have to work but I’m going to pepper in more time to relax with my kids.  We already agreed that for one hour everyday we’d all gather around the hammock/pool or in my bedroom to read our books.  Any good book suggestions?  I’m not much of a non-fiction reader so good fiction titles, please. 

Yep, I’m definitely in the mode right now.  I am realizing that all too soon Powell will be in high school, driving and unwilling to stay home as much as he is now so I’m soaking it in.  I am also realizing as each day goes on that we are in our long goodbye with Keturah.  She is not hurting or suffering at all but she sleeps most of the time and can no longer join us for walks that are longer than 20 minutes or so.  I’m not sure she’ll be around next summer so I intend to love on her as much as I can. 

I think I’m going to start my summer with a layout that quotes a song I can’t get out of my head.  We sing it at church and it is my truest heart’s desire; the place I believe you reach when you accomplish simplicity in your life:

I want to sit at Your feet,

Drink from the cup in Your hand,

Lay back against You and breathe,

Feel Your heartbeat.

I want to be a sitter, a person who isn’t afraid to be still and live in the quiet.  We all want to hear from God and yet are so unwilling to just sit and be in His presence and wait for Him to break the silence.  Really, I don’t think anything else in my walk is more important than this.  

So there you have it.  My plans/goals for summer.  What are you looking forward to?